I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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