Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Randomize
