Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
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