i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
Randomize
