Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
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