Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
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