Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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