Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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