her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
