I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize