Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
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