I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
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