I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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