Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Randomize
