I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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