Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
