We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Randomize
