how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
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