Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
