Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
