I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
