he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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