Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Randomize
