ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
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