i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Randomize
