while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
So much rum. So many feels.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
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