I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
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