If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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