my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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