What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
