Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
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