I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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