"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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