i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
As shirtless as possible
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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