We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
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