turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
did i just pee glitter
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Randomize
