My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
