Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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