drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
