I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
