At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
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