She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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