One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
i would one night stand the shit outta him
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Randomize
