I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
