just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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