Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Randomize
