I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
