Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
50% drunk capacity currently
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
