I think my fart just growled at me.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
