i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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