from now on my penis is your penis
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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