Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Randomize
