Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
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