I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
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