It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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