You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Randomize
