If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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