mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
