Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Randomize
